My First Draft

Maddy

Her curly, messy, shiny brown hair, looks as though she has been dragged through the bush. It waves and quivers with every movement she makes. Although it is so soft, it looks like she never washes it. She has fair, creamy, skin, that feels so soft, you could mistake it for cotton. It gets sunburnt so easily, she has to coat herself in sunscreen whenever she is outside.

Those long, amazing legs, stretch on forever making her tower up above me. She has gotten so tall now because of those long powerful legs. I bet she could run forever and ever.  Eyes as blue as the ocean, sit on her friendly, freckled face. I think, that anything that passes her, secretly catches her eye. They are so deep and blue you couldn’t tell if they had water in them or not.

My Revised Writing

Maddy

Her curly, messy, brown hair, looks as though she has been dragged through the bush. With every movement she makes, it waves. Although it feels so smooth, it looks like she never washes it. She has creamy, fair skin, that feels so delicate and soft, you could mistake it for cotton. The sun burns her skin easily, she has to coat herself in sunscreen, whenever she’s outside.

Those long, incredible, legs, stretch on forever making her tower above me. She has gotten so tall now, because of those expanded, powerful, legs. I bet she could run forever and ever.  Eyes, a stunning deep blue, sit on her freckled face. I bet, that when anything passes her, she sees it. They are so blue, you couldn’t tell if they had water in them or not.